September 3 2024
sugar detox & nightmares
tw brief talk of eating disorders and self-harm
a lot of the weight gain and bloating i experience is from sugar and carbs, so i'm trying to cut it out of my diet. mostly sugar, cuz i need carbs for energy. i think i'm already feeling the withdrawl effects now. i've done this before and slimmed down so much back in 2022, but i fell off my progress after traveling and letting myself enjoy some outside food since i mostly eat homecooked meals. i didn't grow up eating out very often.
this year though my sugar intake has spiked, like i just can't seem to control myself well these past few months around suagr. like ik i don't need it but i want it sooo bad, just a sip of coke or a sweet gummy bear or something. but i really need to stop. it's out of my character too, i'm usually so disciplined but i've been slacking.
i keep clenching my jaw tight too, it's involuntary.. i do it in my sleep too, especially when im stressed out either from irl things or dream things. i had a dream last night where my mom and i just yelled and argued the entire time, i cried. i think i almost woke up crying too but my dream was interupted by the fear of schoolboy9, that guy that's been blowing up online. god he's so fucking scary. i used to be really gullible as a kid and didn't like being alone, was scared of the dark, couldn't even shower with the curtains closed or without needing something to comfort me like a book or my DS. i grew out of these fears over time. now i can sleep with my closet door open and not care. but after watching the documentary about schoolboy9 on youtube, its got me looking over my shoulder and clutching my stuffed hamsters close to me like im 10 years old again. i hate this feeling.
my head hurts so bad from the tension of my jaw. i ate something earlier but it wasn't that much, only 2 eggs and some fruit. i'm waiting for my dad to come back home to eat dinner with him and my mom, which will be my main meal for the day since i don't like eating breakfast and only eat lunch if i have to. is this disordered? probably. i never thought of myself as having an eating disorder cuz it was never intentional, but i think i came close one time when i was around 14 since 2015 was one of the worst years of my life. i coped in many self destructive ways back then, but self harm was my prefered method i guess. it's funny cuz i think i would've kept doing it if i didn't form a weird aversion to blood around 17 or 18. now i can't even get my blood drawn at the doctor's without closing my eyes lol.
anyway, i think i'll find something else in the kitchen to up my intake today since i didn't eat very much today and i'm feeling kinda weird. and i need an ibuprofen. however u spell it.